The Gay Wedding Experience

Yesterday Tom and I went to The Men’s Warehouse hunting for ties. Recently we bought suits there and received a $100.00 gift certificate in the mail and we thought it would be fun to use it on new ties for the civil ceremony. After a bit of shopping around and deciding who would be the first to pick a tie so the other could coordinate (like 2 true PISCES!), we decided on black and white. Go figure, right? We chose the same for our wedding in Mexico. HA!

Tom found a tie that was very him, you know, gaudy. Just kidding! Actually it is very him and its flowery and embroidered and “textured.” I went with a simple, academic plaid. It’s like “burberry meets bold.”

While we were there, we also saw these WONDERFUL black vests. We love vests. And since the weather is mid-ninties this week and God only knows how hot next week, neither of us is interested in wearing a complete suit to New Haven. So we bought the vests. Another decision has been made! On September 7th, Tom and I will be wearing matching black vests, black pants, white shirts and two adorable black and white ties to suit our individual tastes. We are going to look so cute!

Brian
The Bridegroom

This week’s quote of the week is a bit different. I am feeling somewhat political today and happened to come across this cartoon. I thought it was great. So, I give you this week’s quote-cartoon from The Charlotte Observer in 2003 by artist Kevin Siers.

Brian
The Bridegroom

One of the main differences between gay weddings and straight weddings (at this time anyway) is straight couples do not have to have 2 weddings for their marriage to be legally recognized. The paperwork and the ceremony are one for straight couples – unless of course they decide to get married outside of the country and choose to get married at city hall before or after their destination wedding (because it’s a lot less paperwork that way). Still, it’s an option heterosexuals have because they are heterosexual.

For gay couples, if you want an actual marriage license you have to travel to a state that allows and performs gay marriage.   In the US that means you have to travel to Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, or Washington, D.C.. So, the question becomes which of your dates is your marriage? Is it the place where you will have your wedding ceremony or is it the day you are granted the license at your civil ceremony? Is it your big wedding? Do you celebrate both the following year on your anniversary? Do you have to treat both as actual wedding ceremonies? On top of this, add in the fact that you have chosen a destination wedding (in another country no less) and many of your friends and family are unable to attend the wedding. Do you invite them to come to the civil ceremony because they can’t make it to the wedding? WHAT do you do? There is no rule book for these things! Well….

Tom and I decided long ago that we wanted to be legally wed despite the fact that we have to travel outside of our home state to do so. We are lucky because NYC recognizes marriage from other states. That means that even though we are not able to legally wed in NYC, if we get married in CT for instance (which as you know we are planning to do on September 7) and live in NYC we are granted all of the same rights and benefits of legally married heterosexual couples. So we know we want to do it. And our past experiences becoming domestic partners in NY really help us to anticipate the way we may feel at the civil ceremony.

When Tom and I decided to become official domestic partners we thought we’d just go to the courthouse and complete a piece of paper and that would be that! We knew going in that we were not going to consider this new relationship upgrade to be our marriage however, when we walked out of the courthouse – we felt different! Therefore, we know that once we do the “paperwork” to be married in CT, we will feel married! That’s something to celebrate, no? Yes it is. But we also know that we do not want to make this civil ceremony our “wedding.” We are spending a lot of money on our wedding in Mexico and will consider October 17th to be our actually wedding day. A wedding is a celebration of a union anyway and does not necessarily have to be the actual day in which you get legally married. Right? So after we decided WHEN and WHERE we were going to have the civil ceremony, we moved on to our next big decisions…

WHAT do we do about September 7? WHO do we invite? Do we our friends and family to City Hall because they can’t come to the wedding? Do we invite no-one and go it alone like we did when we became domestic partners? Do we just invite the wedding party and if so – do we want those far away to have to worry about traveling into CT to join us? Our experience becoming domestic partners helped us to realize that we do not want to go it alone – we will want to celebrate. Having the wedding in PV makes us not want to invite our guests because we want the big wedding day to be in Mexico. So after a lot of thought we decided that we would invite the members of our wedding party who are in or near NYC to tag along. As you know, Vinnie is on a cruise ship, David is working it in Provinceton, and Cristie lives in NC. So Anne, Roseanne, and Christina will be accompanying Tom and I to City Hall on Tuesday, September 7th and it feels like the right decision. And even though it’s not our wedding, I still want to have my cake and eat it too… So I ordered my favorite cake in the world to have that day since I can’t get it in Mexico. That should be a fun treat! Here is another treat for our special day: When we announced our plans for the civil ceremony, I got an e-mail from my New Haven friend, photographer, and one of the founders of So You’re Engayged, Kelly Prizel who offered to photograph our civil ceremony. We are excited to have Kelly document our day. Thanks Kelly!

So there you have it. Now, you may be wondering HOW we will celebrate this in the future… Well, we have decided that we will be celebrating 2 dates: 1 with a simple dinner each year (Sept. 7) and 1 as our wedding anniversary (October 17). WHY? Because.

Brian
The Bridegroom

So there are only 55 days until the wedding. I thought it would be interesting to see if I can also list 55 things I need to do in those 55 days…

Finalize the music for the boat

Finalize the music for the cocktail hour

Finalize the music for dinner and the reception

Choose recessional and processional music

Choose a song for the first dance

Pick out shirts for the boys

Pick out shirts for Tom and I

Buy wedding shoes

Buy clothing for the rehearsal dinner

Create shipment for the wedding planner

Ship the package to Mexico

Send Thank-you cards for wedding gifts

Finish making the name cards

Order ribbon

Purchase sand for the sand ceremony

Assign colors to wedding party

Purchase wedding day gift for Tom

Set time for civil ceremony

Get car for CT trip

Have rings engraved

Finalize wedding week itinerary

Send calendar/schedules to all guests

Create programs

Finalize hairdresser for wedding

Order pictures for Mexico

Lose weight!

Finalize all plans with wedding planner

Finalize plans for rehearsal dinner

Book transportation from airport to Villa

Book transportation from Marian to Hotels for guests (if possible)

Find “something blue”

Choose/finalize cake choice

Purchase tour tickets in Mexico

Distribute groomsmen clothing

Compose/edit script for the ceremony

Choose accessories for the wedding party

Survive bachelor party

Finalize all decorations

Purchase honeymoon tickets

Set dinner reservations in Disney

Reserve car in Orlando

Purchase wedding day thing (knives, wedding guest book, etc)

Meet with lawyer regarding legal issues

Work on ceremony announcement for NY Times

Meet with photographer

Double check final costs and submit payments

Purchase clothes for trip

Make arrangements for care of pets while away

Arrange for phone to work in Mexico

Contact cable, etc and suspend services

Dry clean suits

Get haircuts

Pack for the trip

Get manicure/pedicure/massage/facial/

Double check that everything is complete.

Eek!! That wasn’t hard at all! Actually – it was too easy.  I’m starting to get a little scared. I hope I can get it all done in time.

Brian
The Bridegroom

This week’s quote comes from David Reuben who according to Wikipedia is a psychiatrist in California who sepciallizes in  sex. He is the author of several books including Any Woman Can! and How to Get More out of Sex. Ironically enough, he is most known for his book published in 1969 (HA) entitled Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask). Below is the quote I found. I just fell in love with it. In addition, I found this picture via google from the Pullman Museum which just seemed – appropriate.

A  MARRIAGE  IS  LIKE  A  LONG  TRIP  ON  A  TINY  ROWBOAT;  IF  ONE  PASSENGER  STARTS  TO  ROCK  THE  BOAT,  THE  OTHER  HAS  TO  STEADY  IT; OTHERWISE,  THEY  WILL  GO  TO  THE  BOTTOM  TOGETHER.

Brian
The Bridegroom

I have been meaning to write a post about the honeymoon planning but I just haven’t had the time! Wedding planning, wedding week planning, work and now moving have really moved to the forefront in terms of priorities for me as of late. However, now I am excited to let you all in on some really cool things about our honeymoon planning.  First, let me tell you how we decided on our destination and the problems we faced…

As you know, we booked all of our flights back in May. Tom had announced then that we decided on Disney for a honeymoon. And with all of the traveling we will be doing (NY to NJ to NV to TX to PV to TX to FL to NJ to NY), Tom and I seemed to have chosen the correct wedding theme too – travel. Anyways, we wanted to do the opposite of a relaxing international beach wedding so we chose Disney. Mind you, I haven’t been there since I was like 15 and he hasn’t been since he was about 6. We just thought, hey – this is fun and we love rides and we hear great things about the food – let’s do it! So we did it. Then Tom started investigating prices (He is the flight/trip coordinator – I hate that stuff!).

Needless to say, no actually, important to say – I came home one day to find Tom on the phone with Disney.  The woman on the phone had asked what we wanted to do and started composing an itinerary. He received a lot of helpful information about Disney itself and locations of parks (which he admittedly still couldn’t grasp before, during or after his conversation with her), hotel accommodations, meal plan options, park options, water park additions, etc. Then she started to make the big sales pitch. Cue my entrance.

The price for (practically) 4 days was about $4,500.00. Tom asked if we should book it.

I caught my breath before letting out a loud “ABSOLUTELY NOT.” Then I demanded that Tom and I discuss the entire conversation he had had with this Disney rat on the phone who was trying to take all of our money before we agreed to purchase anything! (Please note – I did not say that line out loud – I am using it merely for effect in this blog.  Still – that is how I felt about her at the time).  That’s what happens, you know;  they ring up your bill, tell you that the prices may go up like an airline ticket and scare you into giving them your credit card right there. Well, I wasn’t buying it and if the price of this trip was going to be that costly, we were going to find another honeymoon destination. Sorry, I’m cheap.

Actually – no I’m not cheap. I’m just a smart shopper. Tom is an impulse buyer. He sees something, he buys it. I am the opposite. I see something and I ponder over it for a few days. Then I decide whether or not I’m going to get it and only purchase it after I’ve read the reviews and found the location with the best price. We drive each other crazy.

So, I play bad cop and Tom gets off the phone with the Disney rat saying that she’d gotten him in a lot of trouble with his fiancée and we discuss. The hotels are OUTRAGEOUS, which contribute to the majority of the price she quoted us, the park passes are about $300.00 per person for the length of time we plan to go, and the food is about the same as NY, maybe even a bit cheaper. We didn’t know what we were going to do but we agreed that the price she quoted was way over what we wanted to spend. We are paying for a wedding, you know and I absolutely refuse to go into debt over it or anything associated with it because  that is no way to start a life together.  So we looked around some more, talked to few friends about their experiences with Disney and how much they paid, and figured we should start looking for another honeymoon destination.

Then, one day my (hot, single, lesbian) friend Lisa reaches out to me and we go to dinner. We have a fabulous time catching up and eating pizza and drinking fun things the Italian boys bring us. We discuss the wedding planning (of course) and then she wants to know the dates of our honeymoon. So, I tell her. The next day or so I get a call from her and she tells me that she and her family would like to give Tom and me their timeshare at the Wyndham Bonnet Creek Resort in Orlando as a wedding gift! TOM & I WERE SHOCKED! This is like, the best wedding gift ever! I ask her if she is sure, to which she says, of course, and I say thank you – I don’t even know how many times.

Thank you again, Moyer family! Because of you,  Tom and I get to have our Disney-magic honeymoon after all.

Brian
The Bridegroom

My Moyers

Tom and I have settled on a date for our legal marriage. We will be traveling to New Haven Connecticut on September 7, 2010 to get legally married. In New Haven (unlike Greenwich) you can simply walk in and actually get married without having to wait 24 hours for the marriage license to be created. And, a justice of the peace is there ready to marry us so we don’t have to call random names on a list hoping to find someone available. It’s perfect.

In our tradition of doing things on holidays – September 7th is known as “International Angel Day.” I think that’s quite appropriate. It also happens to be my father’s birthday. I hope he likes a son-in-law for a birthday gift!

Brian
The Bridegroom

I can’t believe it! I was so busy this week, I almost forgot about this week’s quote. But do not fear – I made it under the wire. This week’s Quote of the Week comes from one of my favorites: Oscar Wilde. Of love he stated:

“Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.”

— Oscar Wilde

I could not agree more! I feel that Tom and I are very lucky because in our 9 years together we have learned how to effectively communicate. Don’t get me wrong, part of that was with the assistance of our therapist. HA.  Still,  we can have the greatest of conversations – just the two of us. And we know how to talk to one another when something is wrong. Not to mention, it’s nice that  we always have tons to talk about and, surprisingly enough, we seem to find out something new about one another quite often!  We definitely do have quite the bond, Tom and I. And – we live on Bond Street. Oooooo – Freaky!

Brian
The Bridegroom

When it comes to a destination wedding, there is more to plan than just the wedding day. Even though most people think its easier to have a destination wedding because a lot of the hands-on stuff is taken care of by others, the tasks themselves are enhanced because typically people stay longer than a weekend and you have to have activities planned. Many of our guests are making a vacation out of this trip – which is one of the reasons we love it! It’s like having a fabulous vacation with all of your friends and family and getting married at the same time. The only difference is in a group vacation all of the planning is done by multiple people. In a wedding, that responsibility lies with the bridegroom and groom. So this whole week I searched the internet and researched tourist guides to PV to create an itinerary of fun tours and activities the week of the wedding. I composed a pretty fair list of options which included snorkeling, ATV, Canopy (ziplining) and teguila tours and a pirate themed dinner cruise. Then, I sent an e-amil to all those who confirmed that they were coming to the wedding to survey them and see if anyone would be interested in participating in any of these activities. I am compiling responses now and hope to have it solidified by next week!

In addition, I am trying to create a schedule of everyones departures and arrivals so I know who will be there and when to help us better coordinate and schedule these tours. Not to mention, a list like this will also be helpful in case people want to travel to and from the airport together to save on costs. I hope to e-mail everyone the master list soon.

Besides these “extra” activities, we are planning a wedding weekend schedule in Mexico as well. On Friday night we wanted to have a “Welcome to Mexico” party and on Saturday night we wanted to have a rehearsal dinner/party for everyone attending. I am happy to say that as of 5 minutes ago, I have acquired the outdoor space with food and open bar from 7-12 at O’Rourkes for the Friday night party. I can’t wait! Tom and I loved this place when we visited in March and look forward to spending time there on Friday night with our friends and family!! As for the Rehearsal Dinner, Tom and I have gotten the permission from the landlord of the villa we rented to have a party there (which is totally Tom and me – We love to entertain). We have a maid and a cook who will do all of the cooking and cleaning and all we have to do is compose the menu – which can be done the week in Mexico. I’d say we are right on top of things, Rose!

Brian
The Bridegroom

Tom and I are attempting to plan our Connecticut ”legal” marriage. We have run into a bit of a dilemma with dates. It looks like the best time to get legally hitched would be before our bachelor parties. Is that wrong? Does it matter? As you know, the wedding in PV will take place in October almost a month after the bachelor parties.

Help us out by answering this poll:

Is it wrong to have your bachelor party after the legal marriage but before the wedding ceremony?
	Yes it matters – Pick another date.
	No it doesn’t matter – Go for it!
Thanks for your response!!!